As part of Maternal Mental Health week, local Clinical Psychologist, Dr Carla Runchman, explains the importance of a ‘village’ for families with a new baby.
It takes a village… but what if you don’t have one?
We weren’t meant to raise our children in small family units, without support. Over the generations, society has, generally-speaking, made our families smaller and we are less likely to live with older generations. We are more likely to move away to study or work, and be less likely to live near lots of family members. It’s also more common for parents of young children to be working, and for grandparents to be working. Sometimes, this can all add up to the young family feeling isolated.
If you are struggling with feeling like you don’t have enough support, firstly, remember – it’s not you, it’s society! It doesn’t mean you are doing a bad job or that you are not good enough. We all need support around us when raising our children, but that doesn’t mean we need dozens of people. Keep it simple, and think about whether you have the three key types of support you need in your ‘village’:
Practical
The first type of support we need is practicali.e. to literally hold the baby, do the washing up, give you a lift to appointments etc.Is there a family member or friend who could support youat times, for hands on help with a baby, or to give you a hand around the house, or with older children? Think about other practicalities too, like perhaps ordering a food service, or quick microwave meals for a couple of weeks to give you a break from cooking.Is it possible to delegate a few practical taskslike a few hours of cleaning, or dog walking? There are services like Mealtrain where you can organise a group of neighbours or friends to support a family with meals.
Emotional
We all need people who we can offload to, free of judgement. They don’t necessarily need to have any answers, but they make you feel better, just talking to them. Perhaps you could talk to your closest family and friends about the kind of support you would find helpful from them, if you are having a bad day. How will you let them know? And how would you like them to respond? Some people would really appreciate an unplanned drop-in from a friend for a cup of tea, and for some it’s their worst nightmare! It may well be that your friendships will change over time and that you meet new people who will become your closest friends over the course of new parenthood and family life. It’s very useful to have people you can contact who have a similar age child to your own, to validate all the worries or emotions you may feel as they grow and face similar challenges.
Information
We also need access to good quality, reliable sources of information. Make sure you have the relevant numbers and websites to hand, when you need to ask about something. Input your midwife and/or health visitors’ numbers in your phone. There are breastfeeding support services you can access for help. There is usually a number you can call 24/7 at the local midwife unit, for example, if you need support with feeding or anything else related to your baby in those early days and weeks.
If you feel you are lacking support in one or more of these areas, don’t worry. Have a chat with your partner or a friend about how you can take steps towards finding what you need. Parenting is hard work, and can be isolating – but to your children, you are the world, and you deserve support.
Home-Start Banbury, Bicester & Chipping Norton are here to support you if you have a child under 5 years and are experiencing poor mental health. We can offer you a ‘village’ – emotional support, practical help and signposting to reliable sources of information.
Please visit our ‘Getting Support’ section to find out more about our weekly home-visiting support and our Stay & Play sessions.
Dr Carla Runchman is a Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Mama Diary UK
Dr Carla Runchman is a mum of two with over 14 years’ experience working in mental health. After having her first baby, Carla found that there was a lack of accessible, clear, practical information about looking after your mental health in the early days of motherhood.